When Your Kids Leave Home

Another Way for week of September 28, 2023

When Your Kids Leave Home

Guest writer: Michelle Sinclair

Editor’s Note: A two-part piece on young adults leaving home. Melodie Davis’s daughter, Michelle (now Sinclair) wrote about this phase of life in 2003; the issues still apply in 2023!

It was the first fall break of our college careers. A week earlier we freshmen had been excited and ready to make our first trip home after a long month of other firsts. And now we were back on campus and refreshed—for the most part.

A we lugged our suitcases up three flights of stairs, I asked a friend of mine how her break had been.

“Fine. Well … pretty good. … it’s just weird, you know?”

Yes, I did know, but for the sake of conversation I asked her to elaborate. “I was glad to see my parents and all,” she said, “but it seemed like the minute I was home, I was supposed to be back to following orders all the time.”

She turned into her room and tossed her bag on the bed. “I went out one afternoon to do some shopping, and when I got back all I got from my parents was interrogation. I was shopping, for crying out loud, and I know I had mentioned to my mom that I was going to go sometime when I got a chance. It just seems like they don’t realize that when I’m away at school, I run errands and do other stuff without giving them up-to-the minute details.”

Since I graduated from college this past May [2003], perhaps I can offer some advice to parents whose children have gone off to college (or elsewhere away from home) this fall. Parents may not be sure of their new roles, or how this whole “away from home” thing is going to work out. What it really boils down to is long-distance parenting.

Your college student feels the first real sensation of independence. Parents have to learn to be satisfied hearing only snippets—or in some cases—nothing of what is going on in their son or daughter’s life. [This is probably dated with the rampant texting that most of us now do.] But likewise, students have to reconcile themselves to being cut out of decisions like what color new carpet (at home) would be best, or who will get whose bedroom after they leave. Family realignment is inevitable, but it can also be a great time for younger siblings accustomed to living under the shadow of a domineering older brother or sister to come into their own.

When kids come home from college for fall break or Thanksgiving, your son or daughter is not always going to remember to let you know where they’re going—and they’re certainly not going to feel like asking permission. They have become accustomed to staying out as late as they want, and going wherever they want. But, you are still their parent and you’re still concerned.

A helpful way to get around this potential problem is to ask questions in the manner you might use to make a friendly inquiry to a coworker, about their plans for the evening. Be sociable and non-intrusive. “So what do you have going on tonight?” asked in a curious but nonchalant voice will raise less problems than an interrogative “Where are you going? Why didn’t you tell me before?”

College is really an important weaning period for both teenagers and parents. I don’t think I ever quite realized how dependent on my parents I was until I went to college. I recall one of the most homesick moments I ever experienced was when I got a bad sore throat in my freshman year. At some point during a long walk to the grocery store and finding the medicine myself, I realized that my days when I would have “Mommy” around to nurse me when I got sick were numbered. I remembered how if I had the flu, she would bring me ginger-ale and sit on the edge of the sofa and hold the back of her hand against my forehead to check for a fever.

More on this phase next week!

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Share your thoughts or memories on leaving home. Contact me at Another Way, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834, or email anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.

Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of ten books, most recently Memoir of an Unimagined Career. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.