When Young Adults Fly the Nest

Another Way for week of October 6, 2023

Part 2: When Young Adults Fly the Nest

Guest writers: Michelle Sinclair and Aricia Lafrance Shaffer

Editor’s Note: Second in a two-part piece on young adults leaving home. Melodie Davis’s daughter, Michelle (now Sinclair) wrote about this phase in 2003; the issues still apply in 2023. Aricia Shaffer is a career coach.

[Last week Michelle shared how lonely she felt when as a college freshman with a cold, she had to walk to a drugstore to buy her own medicine: no Mom nearby to help her out. Later she reflected:]

Although I never had a specific moment of “separation anxiety” from my Dad, it maybe translated into talking about him frequently—even to the point of adopting a funny vocal impression of him that doesn’t really sound like him at all (I’m told) but is all the more amusing for it. I didn’t notice it until someone asked me, “So what’s your mom like? We never hear about her.”

I look up to my dad in lots of ways, and I definitely make a point to look for ways he could continue to help me even when I was at school. If I needed an extra shelf, he would make it. Now that I have a car, I can ask him for advice about how to handle a starter problem or what to ask for at an auto parts store.

[Funny side story here that pops up in Michelle’s original piece: “If you haven’t already learned how to use instant messaging on the Internet, most young adults today communicate primarily by this method, and it’s an easy, quick way to check in on how parents are doing.” Of course today, in 2023, many of us live by texting, right?]

If for some reason you have to displace your student in order to make room for your children who still live at home, try to make sure they feel welcomed by clean sheets and a freshly made bed when they come home for a visit.

Releasing control in long distance parenting situations can be hard, or it can be relatively easy, depending on your parenting style. Just remind yourself that your son or daughter is not gone for good, and look forward to the many years of interesting stories, Christmases spiced by the joy of reunion, and a little extra breathing room at home. Everyone likes a little space.

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Aricia E. LaFrance is a writer and career coach, with tips for parents getting used to this phase of life.

1.     Fix their favorite meals unless they have specified that they are on a special diet. Favorite meals feel like home.

2.     Do not offer advice until it is specifically requested. Advice makes your adult child feel you still see them as a child.

3.     Share appropriate details about your life with them but avoid the ‘when I was your age’ stories. Skip topics like what’s going on in your own marriage, or health difficulties. Stick to topics like hobbies, career, and things you have in common.

4.     Let them help out if they offer.

5.     Ask their advice on something they are studying in school or doing on the job.

6.     Maintain the same rules with your children that you would with other visitors. Such as if they eat meat and you don’t, suggest they grab a cheeseburger before arriving.

7.     Praise your child’s accomplishments as you would a friend’s. Instead of, “See, I always told you could do it,” try “That’s great. Tell me more.”

8.     Don’t plan too many activities unless that’s what your child wants. They will likely have plans to get together with old friends or catch up on sleep.

9.     Send them a note after they leave to let them know you love them and appreciate their visit.

10.  Welcome your child as a guest and listen to them as you would a friend.

Challenging? Maybe! But I hope there are tips here you might welcome or try.

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Your advice for fledging young adults? Send to me at Another Way, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834, or email anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.

Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of ten books, most recently Memoir of an Unimagined Career. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.