Loved, Spoiled, and Boundaries

My apologies to readers for my schedule these past few weeks, a bit haphazard in posting Another Way columns because of vacations and busy summer gardening projects. I usually post them a week after publication in newspapers. We’ll get back on schedule!

Another Way for week of July 28, 2017: Loved, Spoiled, and Boundaries

I was standing in line at the dollar store where I buy most of my greeting cards. In front of me was a man wearing a big pouch attached to a belt.

Another customer came in the store and immediately reached into this man’s pouch and petted something. My curiosity rising, I peeked around to find the man in line had a small dog in his pouch. The cute pooch looked like she was enjoying the attention.

The other customer headed on into the store so as the man with the dog finished checking out, I said something I’d heard before: “She’s not at all spoiled, is she?” I exclaimed.

The man responded firmly, “Loved, not spoiled.”

I was a bit startled at his response and responded softly, “Good answer!” I was glad he hadn’t simply agreed with me. It’s what I will try to remember to say in the future when a stranger tells me my grandchildren are surely spoiled rotten.

Some children wear T-shirts proclaiming their spoiled status. Usually it is a joke, but I always wonder if children begin to absorb some of the comments they hear, and begin to think of themselves as spoiled as they begin understanding language and its meaning. So I do hate hearing such lines especially said by a proud parent or grandparent: you sometimes act the part after hearing it so often.

On a recent night at our church clothes closet, one child, maybe five years old, was behaving like a dreadful brat. He ran up and down the aisles, pulling clothing off the hangars and whipping each piece to the floor. When asked, he would not pick them up, or stop. His mother was not calling him out, so those of us supervising tried to rein him in. He would have none of it. As we discussed the situation later, one elementary school teacher said the child needed boundaries. I couldn’t have agreed more. Sad are the children whose parents and caretakers set no boundaries or behavior standards.

That said, I too was guilty of trying to ignore the behavior of my young children at times. I am chagrined to recall the time when two of my daughters decided to turn a bar separating check out lines at K-Mart into a “monkey bar.” I was just trying to get through the check out line without the children begging for snacks or other goodies, and was trying to ignore their misbehavior. In this case, the clerk asked them not to swing on the bar. My face turned red I’m sure as I realized that even good mothers (which I tried to be) are sometimes too tired to cope, or just wanting to get out of the store after a long hard day. We sometimes fail to stick to limits on a child’s behavior.

Here are a few boundaries that are good for children and parents:

• When a parent counts to ten, or counts down from five for a child to stop a behavior, there WILL be consequences, such as an age-appropriate time out.
• Have regular times for naps and bedtime: so many behavior problems arise when children do not get proper rest. Parents can be flexible according to different activities, but have a game plan in mind.
• Follow through on promised punishments: nothing bends boundaries any faster than sensing a parent’s “no” is only a “maybe.”
• As children grow, expect them not to interrupt adult conversations unless it is an emergency; they can learn to wait if you’re on the phone or talking to someone.

Debbie Pincus, an author and licensed mental health counselor says at the Empowering Parents website, “Let’s face it, kids push the boundaries every day, all the time. They are wired to test us and see how far they can go; it’s in their nature.” She gives these additional markers for knowing when your children have become head of your household:

• Doing for your child what he can (or should) do for himself.
• Constantly asking questions; interrogating your child over everything.
• Letting your child invade your boundaries as a couple—making your kids the center focus at all times.
• Over-sharing with your child about your life; treating them like a friend rather than your child.
• Giving up your parental authority and allowing your child to take control of the household.
• Living through your child vicariously; feeling as if their achievements are yours, and their failures are yours as well.
• Your child is upset, and you fall apart.

Now, I may have crossed some personal boundary line when I gave my offhand comment about the man’s little dog, just for conversation. But I’m grateful for the gracious reminder he gave me, regarding the difference between “spoiled” and “loved.” We want children who know and feel respected and loved—and that starts by supplying love AND boundaries.

Our three daughters circa 1989, setting their own boundaries in a backyard tent they put up themselves.

For my free book on parenting, Working, Mothering, and other “Minor” Dilemmas (published 1984), send $3 for postage to Another Way Media, Box 363, Singers Glen, Va. 22850. Or send comments to anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.

Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.