Another Way for week of April 14, 2023
Learning How to Share Peace—and Cheez-Its
I’ve heard several uplifting stories recently that seem worth sharing for anyone else struggling with kids—or rejoicing at young boys and girls showing signs they’re growing up well.
The first story takes place at church and involves two brothers who love going up front to play simple musical instruments (drums, maracas, tambourines) when their small congregation sings songs. Sometimes, as kids do, there is a slight skirmish as children select their instrument of choice.
One boy, I’ll call him Peter, snagged one of the two drums. A younger boy kept hunting and searching the instrument box, not selecting anything. This went on quite a while as everyone in this smallish church waited patiently (with some friendly chatter and encouragement) for the children to find suitable instruments.
One mother decided to go help the younger boy, we’ll call him Danny, to just pick something. It turned out that Danny was looking for a drum which one of the other children had already chosen. Danny steadfastly refused anything else offered. Then Peter offered his drum to his little brother, which Danny happily accepted. Peter chose something else. Everyone breathed a bit easier as Peter made a mature peacemaking decision for the group. The mother happily praised her son later for doing the “right thing.”
In another tense situation, Bobby went to his friend Will’s birthday party. One of the activity options was jumping at a trampoline park, an arcade, and playing on a mini basketball court. Apparently, there were only a few balls to go around, not enough for Will’s group at the party. For a time, the birthday group had all the balls and a smaller boy came up and asked if he could have a ball. When no one gave him a ball, he said “I’m going to go tell my mom!” One older boy retorted “Oh yeah? What’s your mom going to do about it?” Then Bobby took a ball from one of the other friends, Zach, and gave it to the smaller boy. Bobby reported that Zach initially said “Hey!” (about losing his ball) but when he saw what Bobby was doing to share the ball, he was okay with it. Bobby’s mother told him he’d made her very proud and happy, and that he was a good person for securing a ball for the younger boy. The parents were glad to see Bobby thinking for himself and using his own judgment, and not just follow a ringleader.
Another heartening story: Nine-and-a-half-year-old Nathan enjoys volunteering and is finally old enough to help read the scripture at his church. His grandmother shared the happy news with her small group at her church, and was able to watch Nathan on YouTube. So many children have had their church experiences curtailed by the pandemic, and many churches are having difficulty jumping in after a two-to-three-year gap of staying home and “watching” a church service or “Sunday school” class online.
Finally, I had to smile at this. One four-year-old boy came home from church talking about “Cheez-Its” and his mother thought he was talking about a snack he had with the other children. “No,” he said firmly, “In church we learned about ‘Cheez-Its’. Cheez-Its was a person.” (Jesus, of course.)
The organization I used to work for has come out with a new storybook for families or churches looking for resources to help kids “get back to church” or at least learning from the Bible. The name of the new storybook is “The Peace Table” and information is available in my end material.
I hope there’s always room at the table for persons to learn and make the world a better place by helping others—and children absorb surprising lessons from their parents, teachers, friends, and elders.
Comment or share stories of your kids–or adults–making peace!
We’d love to hear more! Change names as necessary!
For more information on The Peace Table visit shinecurriculum.com. Book available June 2. Or write to me at Another Way, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834, or email anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of ten books, most recently Memoir of an Unimagined Career. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of April 7, 2023 [Note I always publish my columns a week after they’ve had a chance to appear in local newspapers.]
Did you grow up eating your evening dinner/supper at a table with the family? Did you have a specific place where you just about always sat? Did you like your place?
My husband was telling a friend about his oldest daughter whom we shall call, for purposes of this story, “Flying Elbows.” As she grew taller with nice long limbs, she wasn’t afraid to claim her place at our small table: elbows sticking straight out, right next to my husband. Our two other daughters sat on either side of me.
You probably already guessed the story: that his “space” was frequently invaded with her flying elbows as she dug into our dinner. Now he remembers it nostalgically. We love having all our children and their children sitting at our table. It happens too infrequently, but that’s life.
There’s a lovely hymn in many of our hymnals these days, called For Everyone Born/A Place at the Table. It is kind of a communion song but also a reminder of God welcoming one and all to God’s table, which is a wonderful thing.
The third verse reminds us that all—both young and old, wrinkled or young child, are welcome at God’s table. God delights in the larger family joined around the communion table and wants us all to pursue both justice and joy. (See hymnary.org for more text.)
Shirley Erena Murray from New Zealand wrote the hymn lyrics (in addition to writing many others) and Brian Mann composed the lovely tune and rhythm. I love to sway with the music as we sing that song at church, remembering that just three short years ago we couldn’t come to the communion table or even gather as a church community because of covid. We quickly transitioned to a “hybrid worship” format held mostly online, but gradually with a few chairs in our sanctuary, one could reserve a seat if you wanted to be present in person and wear a mask. We put away all the hymn books at that time which we are now able to freely use again. We are happily planning to be celebrating in person again this Easter with an egg hunt of hundreds of plastic eggs (stuffed with candy or trinkets) on our massive church lawn.
These opportunities and traditions are more precious than ever as we have learned the difficulties and losses of a pandemic. It’s almost like a resurrection that we celebrate this weekend: hugs, tears wiped away, the generous love of God flowing around.
Of course not all is well in our world and God calls us to work for justice and putting down of arms. Illness and diseases and syndromes of many kinds cause patients and families and loved ones much pain and heartache. Social issues such as addiction and drinking to excess, often followed by abuse of family members and friends abound. Why? How can all be helped to living cleaner lives with support of the loved ones who care about them?
Our church and many others offer spaces for community groups like AA or individuals needing and wanting help (with no need to be a church member). In the Bible, (Luke 14: 15-25) there is a parable told by Jesus where those invited to attend a banquet thrown by a rich fellow don’t bother to show up. A servant is sent out to remind people about the banquet they were invited to. Excuses abound: “I just bought a field and must check on it.” “I just bought five oxen and I’m going to try them out.” Finally this: “I just got married, can’t make it.” Moral for us here: while it is excruciatingly hard to give up bad and dangerous habits, others have done so and eagerly want to help others.
God’s table has room for us all. As we celebrate Easter this weekend, may we all find ways to help others, as well as get any help that we may need in crushing life-draining habits or pastimes.
I hope you had a good Easter week!
What was your place at the table when you were growing up? Are the memories good or bad?
Any stories you recall from the family table?
Comment here! Or contact me via Another Way, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834, or email anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of ten books, most recently Memoir of an Unimagined Career. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of March 31, 2023
When Animals Teach Us to be Better Humans
The evening was freezing with rapidly approaching darkness. My husband needed help hooking up a trailer to his truck so he could make an early morning run to a metal recycling center. I wished I was inside cozily watching a TV program. But something kept me from complaining or being mad.
I had just finished reading a fascinating, well-written book about a family who decided to spend one fall and winter in Alaska training their team of Siberian Husky dogs to run the Yukon Quest dog sledding race in the darkest days of February. I was remembering the author’s descriptions of their 40-50 degrees below zero temperatures, and the added windchill of sharp 50-75 mph winds. All of a sudden, I felt warm, like my small shivers were not a big deal.
Running North: A Yukon Adventure by Ann Mariah Cook (1998, Algonquin Books) will take you on an adventure you will probably never have in person, and perhaps teach you a mountain of things you may not know about dogs. Ann and her husband George Cook took their three-year-old daughter also on this wild adventure, with Ann helping as a side-handler for George who competed in the actual race: steering, pushing with his own leg power at times, and taking care of the pack.
When you think of amazingly smart and somewhat human animals, we may think of monkeys, dolphins, elephants and more. Certainly dogs belong on that list, I am finding out.
The writer, Ann, described several of their dogs. If their typical steel blue eyes are not enough to fascinate you, perhaps these tendencies will:
- Their dog Minnie was first on the list to be chosen for the dog team. Ann described her as a “solider of a dog, so much of a soldier she … seemed to pride herself on immediate response…. George had to be careful not to give a command too soon or Minnie would veer off in whichever direction she was told at exactly the moment she was told,” regardless of whether it was the direction George was pursuing in his mind for the pack.
- Another key leader dog, Lightening, had experienced the difficulties of the Iditarod trek, who’s “cool-headedness and lightheartedness were definitely an asset to the team.”
- A dog they called Taro, was at the front of the line; the family called him a “crazy Frenchman” because he was passionate about both his food and affections. “He ate with gusto, barking and squealing delightedly between bites. He didn’t just let his loved ones pet him: ‘He rubbed his body all over us, drowning himself in our scents and vice versa.’”
- A dog, Boomer, was described like this: “He did his work, ate his food, and minded his own business. Teamed with Pete, he could move mountains; these two were well-matched in power and stride.”
- Finally, I loved this description of a small female dog, Shasta. “A mere 38 pounds, she was fast and stronger than she looked. She kept the pressure on the leader dogs by running close behind them as if to say, “I will have your job if you slack up.”
There are more descriptions in the book.
I enjoy reading about dogs because it seems to help me understand our dog better, such as her devotion to my husband. She follows him almost anywhere, even when he is exercising his leg on a home stationary bike. She knows the exercises are painful and gives him faithful, moral support, perhaps even better than I can give.
I won’t spoil the ending of this book in case you decide to check it out, but it truly moved me in wanting to be kind and loving both to our dog and cat, but even more to the humans in our lives.
***
Any dog racers here? Adventures with pets?
What have your pets taught you?
Comment here or write to me at Another Way, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834, or email anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of ten books, most recently Memoir of an Unimagined Career. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of March 24, 2023
Precious Memories
As we get older, my husband and I go to a lot of funerals and memorial services. A fact of life, for most of us. I remember my mother reflecting on this phase of life.
Of course, this has gotten to be even more frequent with the pandemic. I have lost count. I don’t find these services depressing. (Sad yes, but not depressing.) It is often quite inspiring to hear of lives well-lived and how these friends/relatives/distant acquaintances touched others.
So pardon me if you’ve gotten tired of my sharing some of these lessons learned from others. Although I shouldn’t need to apologize for writing out these memories and stories.
This is a story told by an ordained minister who, as a little boy, was one of my daughter’s first playmates. Jeff (above and below) was nine months older than our first daughter Michelle. Jeff’s mother, Gwen (not shown) offered me so much companionship and great parenting advice as she went through the various stages of taking care of a child—a few months before me.
The now-grown (and 40ish) Jeff told this story at his grandfather’s funeral/memorial which moved me greatly and touched others. As he began his eulogy, he reminded us that Presbyterians believe in doing everything “decently and in order” (now partially an insider joke).
He told a story of something that happened long ago in a communion service where his grandfather, Mac, was strangely and memorably moved. The breaking of the bread and the sharing of the cup is a sacred practice in most Protestant and Catholic churches commemorating the last supper of Jesus with his disciples. Jesus encouraged his followers to do likewise as they remembered him.
Jeff, an entertaining but reverent preacher, explained how his grandfather was worshipping in a particularly “fancy” church which covered the whole communion table with a white table cloth, with little peaks of cloth topping the communion trays of grape juice and plates of bread. Jeff said the cloth covering always made him eager to see exactly what was beneath that cloth, especially as a kid.
Jeff went on in a humorous vein: “But I never got why they would replace the cloth after communion. They covered everything back up! Well, we’ve already seen what’s under it, why do they put the white cloths back on?”
On one such occasion, Jeff said his Pop (as he called his grandfather) was with his daughter (Jeff’s mother Gwen). The cloth had been lifted and folded up, “or whatever they do with it, while the communion is being served.” Jeff paused. “The story goes that as it was being put back on the communion trays, Pop got emotional, an emotion we didn’t see very much. He actually began to weep, to really cry. And Pop said to Mom, ‘I’m not sure why I’m crying, but I remember my Dad doing that’ (arranging the cloth after communion).”
Jeff summarized the meaning for him: “That memory! Decades old, but a memory, of another person (Mac’s dad), who had shaped Pop’s branches. Unveiling the fruit of faith, of his roots, that touched his soul.”
Then Jeff reminded us all while swallowing some of his own emotion, “That God, that God was the one who was with Pop, who held him all his life, and the one that now holds him in life everlasting.”
Jeff’s telling of that true family story sent me searching for a tissue, because Jeff and Mac’s history triggered for me hearing my Dad sing—off tune but robustly—the hymns of faith that many of us grew up with. If the congregation sings “Blessed Assurance” I can hear my dad as plainly as if he were standing next to me. There are a number of other hymns and Bible passages that strongly reconnect me with my dad and now my mom.
I hope this story reminds you too of the roots that you may have had as a child or young adult, or of a beloved grandfather, grandmother, mom or dad.
***
Who gave you your roots of faith?
Who is giving your children or grandchildren those roots ?
How do you do communion or the Lord’s supper at your church?
Comment here or write to me at Another Way, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834, or email anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of ten books, most recently Memoir of an Unimagined Career. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of March 17, 2023
How’s Your Married Life?
“I’m going to get my coffee, I’ll be right back,” I tell my husband pointedly.
As I say the line, inwardly I’m rolling my eyes. My husband has this thing about electric bills: tries desperately to keep them as low as possible. Which is reasonable enough. BUT, I need to see in the kitchen thank you very much. So if I step out of the kitchen for ten seconds to retrieve my coffee mug from the office/bedroom so I can put the dishes away, that grinds my gears a little.
Okay, marital squabbles are as common as rain on the roof but usually ten times more annoying because we’ve heard the issues before. Actually, rain on the roof is a sweet sound for most of us. Maybe marital mini-fights include a reminder about flushing the stool? Putting the seat down? Getting a new toilet paper roll out please? Washing the remains of your vigorous toothbrushing down the drain instead of letting the gunk dry up in the sink? These are all annoyances that probably won’t lead to divorce—at least I hope not. But still, annoying.
I was shopping in my usual grocery store when I happened to overhear two guys talking about how much they like being married. The older one said something like “We love …. (doing something fun together, I can’t remember now exactly what he said) and the younger one agreed. How refreshing! How wonderful, may their kind increase!
But, marriage is hard, we also know that too. Even my wonderful parents, who had a truly great marriage from what I observed, did have arguments. They wouldn’t ever admit it, and maybe that’s ok, but as kids we know there were things they disagreed on and sometimes had hurts over. But. They kissed and made up: Dad’s standard advice for anyone having a fight.
One of my online friends (never met her, but we went to the same college years apart) has written a book she named My Checkered Life: A Marriage Memoir. Her name is Marian Beaman and she hails from the much-written about land of Mennonites and Amish in Lancaster, Pa., (think Amish romance novels) but, like me, married outside of the Mennonite church. I’ve shared her work here before and this is her second memoir. In it she delves deeply and bravely into the marriage relationship and shares their ups and downs.
Now married 50+ years, they did go through some years when Marian didn’t know if they would make it together. Her husband, Cliff, is an amazing artist who for years followed a career of doing artistic chalk drawing presentations in schools, about our country’s history and values. But that life on the road wasn’t the greatest for Marian and their two young children. Here’s one passage from this period when Cliff’s performance itinerary would no longer allow him to come home on weekends:
“The babies and I joined his gypsy entourage… I hated the trailer from the start. It was small and scruffy-looking. All of a sudden, my previously grounded life as a thirty-year-old mother had taken on an unfamiliar rhythm: no phone, no mailbox, no fenced-in yard for the children … and very little money. … Where do you keep dirty diapers in a confining space? We couldn’t afford Pampers. More than once, the green diaper pail decorated with a kangaroo lid and secured with an elastic belt had broken free as we barreled down the highway, sending baby urine yuck all over the teeny linoleum floor.” (My Checkered Life, p. 156, Spindletree Books, 2023.)
There are dozens of similar insider stories in this 300-some page book complete with intriguing photos. The point of the book, besides offering some wild and fascinating stories is to help others work through marriage disagreements, find common ground, and help keep a good marriage thriving.
***
What are your marriage tips, triumphs, fails?
Any books you have found helpful on marriage?
Comments? Write to me at Another Way, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834, or email at anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of ten books. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of March 10, 2023
Oh Baby! Helping Birth Another Grandchild
How fortunate we are to be living in a time when mothers (or other family member) can go into a modern hospital to help with the long process and pushing of labor. It used to be the domain of only the professionals. (Unless you go way back!) Years ago—such as when I was born) daddies and others had to wait in another room and faintly hear the moans and screams. And of course, nixed during the height of Covid.
As I walked down a long hall to my daughter’s room in the middle of the night, I cringed hearing another mother-in-process. Strong memories came back. My own body tightened and breathed with that mama.
I felt lucky to be there—and remembered helping with the births of three of our five grandsons when the two older sisters gave birth. All special, all rich bonding experiences.
How fulfilling it was to help our third daughter push her first little one out. My role specifically was to encourage and assure her that she could do it. A coach. Her husband was a deeply dedicated papa-in-training and awesome coach, also anxiously awaiting the miracle of birth.
Labor is definitely draining for child and mother alike—by the end they put a mask on our daughter to help pipe oxygen to the baby. I had not seen that before. We listened carefully for the strong heart beat as baby continued the journey.
I almost felt too old to be helping coach—up all night with my daughter and her husband. My husband tried to catch some shuteye in the hospital waiting room on benches that did not allow him to stretch out, and still aching with painful healing from knee surgery.
The expectant couple had chosen to not find out what the gender was before birth. When she finally finally finally made it out, her father announced the joyous news: “The baby is a girl!” Our first granddaughter!
I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to help bring our first granddaughter into the world. The new mother said softly, “I can’t believe we have a girl.”
My husband and I left the new family to “bond” and headed to their townhouse to get some sleep at 6:30 a.m. I was surprised that the naps I was able to take that day were enough—after pulling an all-nighter.
What a special, happy time! This family has chosen not to share pictures online, a wise idea. But take my word for it, she is a sweetie and already her dark eyes are exploring the new world after a demanding but triumphant labor.
A day later as I stood there braiding my daughter’s hair, I pondered how many times I had done that. The brand-new baby (well, a day-and-a-half-old) was nursing and our hearts were full. The daughter I had birthed now sat with her long-awaited baby. Three generations. Not surprisingly, the braiding brought memories for both of us.
Our families are precious, treasured gifts from God who showers love on us and our families. The difficulties we all go through—the hard times, illness, arguments, shortage of money, differing political views, mistakes—are common. But, we can triumph over the difficulties with the gift of love that goes along with every new child that comes into the world. The love we promise with marriage vows and long days and nights of working together helps bond us. We lament the children who are not born into families with strong loving parents.
I know that my husband and I are privileged to be enjoying retirement with some wonderful grandchildren. I wish they lived nearby. Of course! But we didn’t live near my parents either and had to make do with 600-mile drives to reconnect in person.
Our children and grands are close enough for frequent visits and contacts even though it is not every day or week. Count your blessings if you have grandchildren AND are close enough to visit when they can.
Meanwhile, we are doing a happy dance!
***
Your thoughts? Your special treasured memories? I’d love to hear!
Comment here or write to me at Another Way, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834, or email anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of ten books, most recently Memoir of an Unimagined Career. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of March 3, 2023
Life Itself Can Be an Inspiration
I am happy to share a guest column by Pat Walsh, a pastor in St. Michael, Pa., a regular reader of Another Way in the Daily American paper there. Pastor Walsh was responding to my end-of-the-year column titled “What Inspires You?” We hope this stirs you to appreciate or reflect on the things that inspire you to live your best life: it is the only one we have.
Guest column by Pat Walsh
“I grew up in a small town in western Pennsylvania. Friends and neighbors were friendly and helpful. They would even yell at you when you did something wrong as a child.
“My dad died when I was eleven years old. A very sad time in my life. I was the youngest of five children who my mother raised. We didn’t have a lot, but always had plenty of food and warm clothes. God provided many father figures to help in my life: neighbors, teachers, coaches, and relatives.
“I didn’t realize it at the time, but did several years later, that the life I lived and saw in others around me encouraged me to move forward and do my best. I had many ups and downs over the years, but I always knew my mother was there for me and felt God had his hand on me. I focused much of my time on sports, specifically basketball, and derived much satisfaction and joy from it. I graduated from high school with several offers to play small college basketball. At the time, I thought life was very good.
“Over the years in college and then early in my working days, I got sidetracked by the ways of the world. I lost sight of some of the things my mother had taught me. I still knew that life was good and there was a purpose for me. God gave me a wonderful, loving, and giving wife that inspired me to greater things. Jesus said, ‘I have come that you may have life and have it more abundantly.’
“Finally, after years of search, including ups and downs, I saw where true inspiration comes from. In April of 1977 at a Bible study led by Rev. Herbert Norton in Williamsburg, Virginia, I heard how God sent his son Jesus to inspire our lives to greater meaning and purpose than I ever knew. I responded to that message and received Jesus in my life.
“Well, fast forward many years, and now at age 72, I still feel strongly inspired by Life! A life lived for a greater purpose than self. Over the years I have been a husband, parent, neighbor, teacher, coach, and pastor and still find myself inspired by Life. Each day I look for ways to help hurting people, support those in need, encourage those along my path and thank God for giving me a wonderful life. Yes, Life, all of it, good and bad inspires me to look forward, to look upward to God the creator and sustainer of life and continue on.
“So, live life, be inspired by life, a life given to us by God to live for him, to bring honor and glory to God, and to share the love and grace of Jesus.”
***
This could be the story of many people around the world: our children, after exploring various paths and perhaps getting side-tracked as Rev. Walsh did, but eventually touched by something that was said, preached, or lived to turn to a better way of life. It reminds me of the huge outpouring of interest and testimony, prayers and singing people have experienced recently at Ashland University in Wilmore, Kentucky over a period of weeks, not days. We had much the same thing happen on my college campus back in the early 70s when I was there, and it was amazing. People also traveled a great distance to experience the “revival” and worship in a setting of continual testimonies.
In these days of Lent and looking forward to Easter, do take time to contemplate both the life you’ve been given, the paths you’ve traveled, and the hope you have for the future.
***
Your stories or experience? Write to me at Another Way, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834, or email anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of ten books, most recently Memoir of an Unimagined Career. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of February 24, 2023
Family as Best-of-All Friends
Editor’s note: Fifth in a five-week series on friendship.
How can we make our families some of our closest friends?
My husband and I both read the advice column now called Dear Annie, a spin off of the Abby and Ann Landers long running columns. I do find it a little frustrating though because so many of the problems and questions people inquire about focus on really awful family relationships. How terrible when the love and fun and companionship we are supposed to find in families is skewed by members who have extreme difficulties getting along—and indeed have stopped trying to be friends in family. A lot of that stems from our family backgrounds and how we ourselves were brought up: happy and loving families tend to produce happy and loving families.
The family I grew up in, and the daughters we were blessed to raise are NOT perfect, and far from it. But, overall, at least as far as I know and can tell, we get along. We have had hard and imperfect times but we love each other very much and try to keep connections going and strong. We are friends.
How does that happen, and what do we need to work at?
A firm faith in God is one place to begin. “God is love” goes one familiar hymn and the Bible places a huge emphasis on sharing and practicing love not only for friends but indeed for our closest family members. While there are many families who do not hold or practice any faith, being brought up in a home where the foundation is love as shown to us through God’s own love for us, is a great place to start.
In my book Becoming a Better Friend, I relate a story of one time I came home from a brief business trip very excited and anxious to reconnect with our children. While they greeted me excitedly, too soon all three children were clamoring for me at once: to see this picture they drew, to get a scissors, and of course, to fix supper. The people who took care of the kids reported that they were really good while I was gone. So why did they turn into little monsters for me, the mother they professed to love so much as soon as I got home?
Well of course that is normal behavior. Home is the place where it is safe to let our shirts hang out, children and adults alike. But home is also where the people we love most are—and loving relationships can easily be damaged at home if we are not careful. Family members are our first and last friends, but sometimes we treat them like enemies.
A good family starts with the relationship to our mates—and usually that particular friendship was sealed with “till death do us part” vows. So when we toast five, ten, twenty-five years of marriage and more, it is really worth celebrating. A good marriage provides a natural environment for daily companionship. Of course, every marriage has up and down cycles. We fail each other and make mistakes.
What are some tips for keeping our family relationships positive and loving? Make an ongoing mental commitment to work at closeness. Plan a date with your spouse or a fun activity with the children. Do something nice for each member of your family this week. If you still have children at home, (of if they visit) use your smartphone to record a conversation at mealtime—and play it back when everyone is in a good mood. If you’re going through a difficult time as a family, talk about your differing needs: “What I need/want most from my family right now is ….”
Things are far from easy as families. Every family I know has its up and down times—times of not getting along. The key to getting along among friends and families is rooted in your general outlook on life and practicing love on an every day basis.
***
What things keep your family connecting?
What are some of your favorite activities together?
Comment here or write to me at Another Way, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834, or email anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of ten books, most recently Memoir of an Unimagined Career. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of Feb. 17, 2023
Feeling Lonely
Editor’s note: Fourth in a five-week series on friendship.
When we had our first baby (dark ages, 1981), the local hospital we dealt with still had shared rooms for new mothers. My roommate had just birthed her second child.
There was a curtain between our beds but we talked through it, and saw each other when I had to walk through her side to get to the bathroom. Besides the fact that she smoked (in our room, hard to believe!) I was saddened as I heard her talk about her life. Alice (not her real name) lived in a fairly isolated area and said her daily routine was that after she fixed breakfast and cleaned up the house a bit, she and her first child always went to spend the day at her mother’s. She returned home only in time to make supper. She seemed lonely.
Perhaps she felt sorry for me living 600 hundred miles away from my parents. At any rate, loneliness is universal and these days we can be in almost constant communication with our parents or siblings or friends who live at a distance (texting, Face Timing, Zooming, phone). But that doesn’t necessarily solve problems we may feel in our relationships or activities: sometimes we cope with loneliness by overworking, overspending, overeating, watching TV, or scrolling on our smart phones.
Loneliness is a fact of life. Sociologists and psychologists point out that being alone is the most common human condition. Think about it: at the beginning of life, the baby leaves the comfort of the womb to enter the stark delivery room. At the end of life, each of us crosses the threshold of death—alone. Even in close relationships like marriage, with our parents, with siblings, there is a realm where we are alone with our private thoughts, histories, and hopes.
When I wrote the book Becoming a Better Friend, I knew almost nothing about mental illness, suicide, and genuine and dangerous depression. I suppose some kids I went to school with in middle school and high school were more than just lonely, they were dealing with serious and sad mental issues. There was a college acquaintance I knew who tragically took her own life. College can be a profoundly lonely place.
One of the stories I shared in that book came from Nancy Potts who wrote a book titled Loneliness: Living Between the Times. She tells the story of Katie, a woman who attended a small church where the service usually closed with everyone joining hands in a large circle (pre-pandemic, obviously). Katie wrote the following note to the minister one week: “Thank you for ending the service by having the congregation hold hands. I live a very lonely life and Sunday is the only time I’m touched by another person all week.” (Victor Books, 1978, p. 40)
Speaking of the pandemic, we know that besides illness, it produced an epic number of people who were profoundly lonely especially in retirement centers, nursing homes and assisted living places. Through no fault of their own, administrators had to quarantine older people who were already often quite isolated from family and friends. My mother was one of them. Visiting through a cold glass pane window helped a little, but where Mom was really broken in spirit was no conversation at meals. Even when the residents were finally allowed to eat outside of their rooms, they were placed at a dining room table where they could not sit with anyone else: just eating alone. Mom, the social butterfly that she was, missed that conversation keenly, but she bore the changes ok—on the surface. We all grieved the remoteness for Mom.
If you struggle with aloneness or being lonely, spend some time analyzing what brings on those lonely feelings for you. Perhaps list specific times on paper. What things cheer you up? Or, perhaps, visit or call someone else who may be lonely. While we can take comfort in knowing that loneliness is part of our human condition, there is a difference between being alone, and being lonely.
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What do you do to chase away loneliness–for yourself or others?
When do you welcome being alone?
We’d love to hear!
You may write to me at Another Way, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834, or email anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of ten books, most recently Memoir of an Unimagined Career. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of February 10, 2023
Editor’s note: Third in a five-week series on friendship.
I remember an office friend who said her four-year-old girl announced before they went somewhere, “I’m going to be shy tonight.”
That may sound cute but it infuriated her mother (child hiding in her mother’s skirt, etc.) and I forget now why her parents thought she made those announcements. Possibly attention-getting? As parents we sometimes prod our small children into saying hi or even hugging someone they barely know or don’t like.
In contrast, most of us as adults don’t purposely decide to be shy on a given day or encounter. If we are introverts and find it hard to make small talk with people we don’t know well, we may feel unliked, unwanted, not valued.
True shyness creates all kinds of inner turmoil: blushing, perspiring, butterflies in the stomach, an increased pulse, a pounding heart. We might note that sometimes people use the term, “painfully shy.” In some cases that is actually true. Unfortunately, sometimes that emotional pain is compounded when shy persons are maybe seen as aloof, snotty, bored or even condescending—looking like they think they are “better than you.”
My parents were both avid conversationalists and frequently talked to people after church or other gatherings. They also had church business matters to pursue with various other members. I would often go hide in the bathroom—yes—sitting in a stall until I thought they would be ready to go home. Or sometimes I would just go wait in the car. I also remember slumber parties when my friends would prod me to talk: “Come on, Melodie, why don’t you talk? What do you think about Joe”? Or Sue. Sometimes by the time I thought of something to contribute to a conversation, the others had moved on to another topic. I was a listener.
My best tip for opening conversation with someone you don’t know well is to ask a question about themselves—most people don’t mind talking about themselves. Their family, or something about their job. But of course try not to ask questions that have a conversation-killing one word answer or are too personal. And if someone acts like they are not interested in talking, don’t be a nuisance.
Some other conversation starters might be simply giving a compliment—that you like their outfit or jacket. At a party or meal, ask the host for the recipe for a dish you genuinely liked, or talk about his or her cooking in general. Help to clean up after an event and you might find yourself in conversation with another helper.
As with any other skill, it takes repeated attempts and effort to become someone comfortable in conversation. At first the practice may seem artificial, just like doing scale drills on the piano is an artificial way to play piano. With time and practice these skills will become more natural and part of your own personal style. You could start with sharing a genuine smile with someone you don’t know, and say hi or hello. Then pat yourself on the back for reaching out even in this small way.
Sometimes our bodies communicate more than we realize, such as standing with crossed arms or keeping a distance from others. This has been a hard element of the pandemic, to be friendly and welcoming while not feeling free to shake hands or give hugs. But smiles and thumbs up are ways to be friendly without being overbearing.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Last week was Valentine’s Day. Take some moments to feel good about and love yourself as well! Pause to focus on the gifts God has given you—whether it is being a good listener, a good helper, or thoughtful friend. When we feel good about ourselves, it is easier to reach out to others and maybe help them feel good about themselves also.
We’ll explore more about the keys to being a true friend next time in this short series on friendship.
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Your tips or experiences, especially as a child?
Or how do you work at being friendly?
Comment here!
Or write to me at Another Way, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834, or email anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of ten books, most recently Memoir of an Unimagined Career. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
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