Another Way for week of of December10, 2021
I’ll Take Dependable, Thank You
I wasn’t sure if I could do it, but I argued my husband into letting me buy and put together a small toddler bed for a grandson to use at our house. The grandson had outgrown the crib and even Pac ‘N Play type beds. And we were short a bed when they all visited.
My husband is very busy at this time of year, cutting wood, splitting it, stacking it. He maintained that it wouldn’t take him long to put together a small bed but I knew it wouldn’t be as cute and inviting to a little one as the small “character” beds I found in stores and online. I told him that after perhaps buying a few pieces of wood for the project and some pretty bright paint, we would probably easily spend more than $50 (the price online). It arrived in two days. Now my work was cut out for me.
So on a recent Monday morning, I started in and made great progress, until, you guessed it, I needed a third or even fourth hand with some of the final screws and bolts. I couldn’t hold the parts and insert the screw too. (How did the woman on the YouTube instructional video do it??)
Bless his heart, when I told Stuart my predicament, without a great deal of complaining or “I told you so” comments, he helped me finish the final steps in a matter of minutes. He was/is dependable.
Dependable as a word sounds boring. They even named adult diapers after it, right? But I think that dependability is one of the sweetest and best traits for a person—especially in a friend, family, or marriage relationship. It is golden.
Reliable. Trustworthy. Steadiness. Loyalty. Fidelity.
I’ll say “Yes, please,” for all of these traits. Being able to lean on each other, knowing and remembering the big or little things that makes the other happy (or really ticks them off!) are like bedrock: a foundation you can build on.
We look for a lot of things in a family relationship. There’s love of course, but also stick-to-itiveness. Getting up and going to work every day (in your working years). Mindfully stashing raises into your rainy-day account or 401K. Being there for them when they start—but can’t finish a project without a third or fourth hand. Keeping secrets and confidences. These are part of being dependable. I can’t tell you how many people or employers I’ve heard in recent years talk about the unreliability of many in the work force, which is very sad.
We learn these traits and functions from our parents, friends, and broader family. As a community, society, country, or world, we thrive when dependability abounds, and fall apart when it is in short supply.
On the other hand, the opposite of dependability is failing to follow through on a promise or job. Carol Gignoux, a prominent thought leader on the subject of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, (ADHD) reminds folks that “There is no better way to show that you value your job than by showing up consistently and getting the work done without a fuss.” This is not easy, especially if someone struggles with attention deficit as an adult. Coaching programs can help.
We want reliable cars. We want mail that gets delivered in a reasonable amount of time. It comes down to managing our commitments, points out another advisor, Lee Colan at Inc.com. We especially want and need reliable financial advisors.
But we can walk through the challenges and difficulties that come our way when we have people around us who support us, whom we can lean on, whom we can trust.
This Christmas season, I am newly grateful for those who have supported us in this past year and I hope you can treasure those who’ve done that for you. In this difficult year—shall we say the second difficult year in a row—grab on to and praise, compliment, or thank those who’ve been bedrock for you.
Did you ever start a project that was a challenge for you? How did it go? We’d love to hear!
Or, what are you especially grateful for this year?
Send your thoughts or comments to anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com or Another Way Media, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of nine books. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of December 3, 2021
Unexpected: Rearrange Some Rugs
“Unexpected” is the theme the worship planning team at church chose for Advent this year. When so many of us have had our plans and worlds turned upside down in a matter of seconds or hours … yes, we have to expect the unexpected.
This November, our youngest grandson had not been in our house for a year and a half, due to Covid and very careful parents. He is a little over three now and still not old enough to get his vaccine. So the little fellow is the only one in the family who is not vaccinated. Earlier this fall, he unexpectedly endured quarantine due to having a positive Covid test (had a runny nose) and had to spend many hours in his room when he longed to be playing with his brothers. I doubt he could really mentally process what being in “quarantine” meant, other than “alone.” He did enjoy messing with a computer tablet—since he is not usually allowed unsupervised access.
At any rate, his older brothers certainly remembered our house at Thanksgiving, but Edward didn’t really remember it. So, I noticed he was staring at a large photo of our family from about seven years ago. He easily recognized his mother and father in the photo and the rest of us, but I knew he was pondering why his parents were only holding one very small boy—about four months old. That baby was matched on the other side of the photo by a six-month-old cousin.
I lifted Edward onto a chair so he could see the photo better, and began to explain to him that the baby was his oldest brother, and that he and Henry weren’t even born yet. He looked like he was taking it in, and I think he was kind of making sense of it. After all, there are many photos around his own home of his brothers without him in them.
After I helped Edward down, he began further exploring our house and commenting on the many oval braided rugs we have in our house. He went around pointing to them and saying “There’s a zero.” He loves numbers. Next thing I knew, he was picking up the small brown “zero” inside our front door and carrying it back to one bedroom where we had recently put a large brown braided oval rug given to us. Edward planted the small rug near a desk in the room and I loved it: my new interior designer. Totally unexpected.
Back to the “Unexpected” theme for Advent. At our church we usually have a beautiful, natural green wreath with candles for each week of Advent. Families, couples, or individuals take turns reading a scripture, and then lighting one additional candle each Sunday.
This year, the worship leader placed a single jar with a candle inside and lit that candle representing “hope,” saying that instead of our normal wreath, various candles would represent the unexpected nature of our current pandemic times. The scripture from Jeremiah 29 spoke to the theme of sorrow and difficulty when the Israelites lost hope as they were forced into exile in Babylon. The prophet Jeremiah told the people to build homes, start gardens, and settle in, and that there would be a better time in the future as they held on, together.
Honestly, most of us can relate to this loss of hope. Will things ever get better? Will we be able to celebrate Christmas with our families, or will last minute colds and coughs and positive covid tests keep us home and in isolation? Worse, hospitalized with unknown futures? We have all lost so many loved ones from various causes. Our hearts ache for each other.
The God of hope, love and grace be with us all as we travel these uncertain roads. We need the courage and chutzpah of a three-year-old to make ourselves at home, rearrange some rugs, and do the best we can even in isolation, or new and strange surroundings. One of my favorite songs at church goes “May the God of hope go with us every day, filling all our lives with love and joy, and peace.”
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Have you had any surprises so far this December?
What are you looking forward to? What are going to miss?
Do you like rearranging things in your house for the holiday season? Or not so much….
Comment here or send stories or comments to anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com or Another Way Media, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of nine books. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of November 26, 2021
Ten Tips for Enriching Your Prayer Life
One of the treasures I found in Mother’s things was a list of suggestions to use in one’s prayer life. Many of us have ups and downs in how faithful we are in praying and we slide away from a focused time. God certainly knows our habits—and understands.
But no matter where you stand regarding a regular quiet time sharing what’s on your heart, we can foster a closer relationship with God by talking with the Almighty consistently.
Photo by my cousin, Judy Yoder.
Here are some of the tips I found on that list which I’ve partially revised:
- Set aside a regular time to pray. Often people get up early to pray but you could set aside any time of day—whether at lunchtime or in the evening before bed.
- Choose a regular place to pray. For me, that’s in bed, before I rise to start the day. (That’s easier to do when you’re retired.) But others set aside a corner of a room, a special chair, perhaps in your car or a place outdoors. Perhaps use a candle to set a quiet mood.
- Write out prayers. If that doesn’t work for you, no worries. But written prayers can be used at times in a Bible study or devotional or just to remind yourself of what you’ve prayed for in the past.
- Pray out loud. You can even yell at God, especially in difficult times or when angry or frustrated. Again, God understands and as you express yourself, at times this leads you into a calmer, settled self.
- Include silence. Don’t do all the talking when you pray. Take time to listen to God as well.
- Include singing. Music can set a tone that lifts your spirit and leads you into true worship with God. I love singing in the car—and in the shower!
- One pastor offered a structure for prayers that may keep you from getting into ruts of saying the same old. Using the word ACTS as a mnemonic (think of the Bible book of Acts), you can use this list:
- Adoration – Reflect on who God is and how God cares for you
- Confession – Honestly tell God where you’ve succeeded or failed
- Thanksgiving – Offer up thanks to God for goodness shown to you and others
- Supplications – That’s a fancy church word for prayer requests—often the first and only part of praying. But I like the idea of saving specific prayer requests until you’ve taken time for the first three in this mnemonic.
- Pray with others. You can do this in person, on the phone, a small group, or while walking with a partner. My husband and I usually take turns praying before meals and to me, it is a special time when I hear what my husband is concerned about.
- Use prayers written by others. Many prayers are included in hymnals or devotional books or magazines. They can inspire and rev up your prayer life.
- Be realistic about your efforts. If you’ve only been praying 30 seconds a day, don’t set a goal of 30 minutes. Start with a small routine you can keep.
Mom had a regular prayer time after her morning bread and coffee, when she’d sit and read the Bible or a devotional, and then go over a long list of family and friends and folks she’d only heard about. I wish to follow her example.
I couldn’t find an author for this list but if you know who wrote it or a similar list, please let me know! I do not like to use pieces that should be attributed to the original writer. I hope this can enrich your prayer times.
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Where and when are your favorite or best times to pray? What are tips you can share?
Has there ever been a time in your life when you felt you couldn’t pray?
Comment here or send to anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com or Another Way Media, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of nine books. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Originally for Another Way for week of November 5, 2021
Make this a Season of Gratefulness
We are in a season where our hearts are primed to turn toward gratitude. Or at least I hope that is the case. There’s Thanksgiving of course, there’s Veteran’s Day, and I must say, there’s gratitude that localized campaigning for governor, state delegates, town councils, school board (or whatever your local elections were this year) are, hallelujah, over! I don’t mind the actual voting so much as the incessant ads on TV and the direct mail cards that filled our wastebasket to overflowing this year. I bet we received nearly 100 in these past months. If the TV ads were more straight up facts than demonizing the other candidate, I could tolerate the campaigning better. Anyone else?
Sigh. Now I can get to the gratitude. In these next weeks, I plan to focus these columns on the positive, the uplifting, the feel-good stories and happenings that are all around us if you look.
A beloved university football coach went to our church. In his later years, he kept a little notebook so he could remember details like meetings and appointments or prayer requests at church. He was the essence of punctuality, neatness, and encouragement for others. He knew my husband was having knee replacement surgery last year and asked me for the exact day and time so he could pray for Stuart. I was so touched, and then shockingly, the coach did not wake up the next Sunday morning. At age 77, Coach was still “young.” Stuart’s surgery was two days later. The coaches’ memorial service was planned for the day Stuart got out of the hospital. My husband insisted we go to the service on our way home, walker and all. As we greeted the family, his daughter told me that Stuart had been on her dad’s prayer list that week. Touched and grateful? You bet. I want to do better to be more aware of the needs of others and put them first, rather than my own needs.
My oldest sister has had to put the needs of my mother ahead of her own these last several years. We siblings will be forever grateful. Who knew that a few choices about colleges or careers or romances would leave our family—like millions the world over—scattered instead of living in the same community? So, Mom was lucky to have her personal registered nurse (now retired) always on call. Mom was a saint (and now a literal saint), but she could also be very picky about brands and the medications she took, so I don’t know how many times Nancy selflessly drove to store after store especially the last two years when “supply chain” issues affected so many medications. Nancy also personally nursed Mom back to health from various deep wounds on her legs and arms when her skin got thinner than the papery skins of onions. Not to mention the tendency to fall. We tried to help from a distance—sending gas money every so often. If your family lives in closer proximity, or if you have a sibling who lives near one or both of your parents, that is definitely something to be eternally grateful for this season.
Also, I have a spouse who puts up with my idiosyncrasies and has been a loving and faithful husband all these 45 years. He has driven us 1200 miles round trip six times this year in an attempt to help me spend time with mother, and also help out my sisters who have had primary responsibilities. He also drives me up the wall sometimes, but hey, I know I do him too. I am happily grateful to have him for my husband, and for our children (and their spouses) and the glorious gift of grandchildren.
One more quick story. We decided to order some carry out pizza at Costco and while I was waiting, a longtime cashier at the store (whom I had a tendency to be judgemental about wearing tight, very low cut tops and lots of make up) took time to do a job she didn’t have to do: help a young girl of about 11 figure out where to stand to get served by the staff behind the snack counter. I had seen the girl looking bewildered and confused, but didn’t think to step in to help. I was thankful to observe this sweet act of kindness on the part of the busy cashier who was stacking some of their eternal boxes.
We can all use more kindness and gratitude in our world, nation, communities and families. And less judging! Here’s to a nice long season celebrating gratitude, and not for just a couple of yummy meals.
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Comment here, or send your stories, comments, or questions to anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com or Another Way Media, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of nine books. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of November 19, 2021
How Could It Be?
It was late last Wednesday (Nov. 10) afternoon. I could not believe my ears. No, no, no!
When the nurse came out to my car and told me my Covid test was positive, I was devastated. I didn’t know what on earth we could do about going to my mother’s memorial service, planned for Saturday morning. We were hoping to leave early Thursday for the 11-hour trip to Indiana.
I didn’t feel physically sick, I was not running a temperature, no cough. Well, a small temp in a hot car with a mask over my face. It could be a false positive, said the nurse. And I had already had a booster shot.
As I made phone calls, my siblings were so compassionate in saying they didn’t want to have Mom’s service without me. Could we postpone it? With Mom’s choice for cremation, we had already postponed it a month. I didn’t feel we should postpone it anymore, unless my brother’s family—which had it even worse with memorial services for two mothers in one week and 900 miles away—wanted to delay it. But their family would have had complications too, if we postponed. We’d already changed the start time once. We had worked hard arranging pictures, things for display tables; food preparation. The soloist and pianist would have to be contacted, the audio-visual guy, funeral home, the pastoral associate.
Plus winter was breathing cold around the corner. It seemed so far off to postpone burying Mom’s urn until late spring; those of us in warmer climes did not want to hit northern Indiana’s snow belt in the depths of winter.
The associate for pastoral care at our own church advised me later that evening to get a PCR test (a lab test more accurate than a rapid test). But it was too late to get one that day, although I was able to schedule one for the following afternoon at a pharmacy. Results would be sent in 1-2 days.
The next morning I woke up troubled, in a semi-dream state. I saw a bird circling overhead; it looked down at me and that’s when I realized it was an eagle, white bald head. And then it went away. Was the eagle bearing reassurance from Mom? Immediately I thought of one of our favorite Bible passages, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31).
That day I bought a rapid test kit to use on myself. Terribly nerve wracking to do everything just right. It was positive too. And had the PCR test performed. My husband spoke of driving all night so we could be there Saturday morning for the service, but I didn’t really want to do that, it seemed too dangerous at our ages. Maybe if we were still in our 20’s.
Upshot was the lab test turned out positive too, we stayed home, and our dear daughters went in our stead. They hooked us up a livefeed on Facebook. They read a letter from me that I had written to Mom shortly before she died. My daughters’ presence there was a blessing and I almost felt like I was there except for fellowship with friends and family. Missing that brought on a few episodes of deep sobs.
So, I had Covid, but was totally asymptomatic; I felt fine physically, but quarantining just in case. And I had just had a booster shot a week and a half before I tested positive.
Never in 100 years would I have imagined having to miss my mother’s celebration of life service. Yes, it hurt, I’m still sad. A hymn goes through my head, or a lump rises as I snuggle in one of her old sweaters, and have another good cry.
Honestly, we’ve been celebrating her life the last five years or so, knowing this could come at any time. She had braved some serious surgeries, falls, and pulled through so often. We’re thankful she had a good mind right to the end. I have no doubt she is truly celebrating somewhere with loved ones in her new realm, heaven, whatever that turns out to be. It is well with my soul.
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P.S. I have now tested negative, praise be!! I’ve added this P.S. after my quarantine was done.
I debated sharing this here. How public did I want to be? The turmoil, the unease, the feeling like a pariah are all things persons go through with this incessant pandemic. I invite you to send your stories and comments to anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com or Another Way Media, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of nine books. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of November 12, 2021
Lessons in Generosity
Would you give up much of your free time to help a woman who can no longer do errands like groceries and other shopping, or take care of things in her own home because of complications with dialysis? Lucinda is a writer friend who did just that for about two years. She was single at the time and I’m guessing in her late twenties—a time many of us would not get so involved.
Lucinda is a conservative Mennonite and an amazing writer. I have to put that out there because she has diligently studied creative writing, and practiced various forms of descriptive writing for years. Recently she studied for a year at Sattler College in Boston, Massachusetts. Sattler is a Christian college which opened in 2018 with about 75 students.
Picture this: a young woman walking the streets of Boston in a long, plain dress with cape (extra material sewn over the bodice of a dress for modesty), and a head covering. This is not Lancaster County, Pennsylvania where this style of dress is very common.
I was privileged to write a letter of recommendation for Lucinda to get into Sattler because at that time I had recently served as the managing editor for her first book, Anything but Simple: My Life as a Mennonite (Herald Press, 2017). That book was a joy to read as an editor. We also spent a morning together when she visited our Presbyterian church and had lunch. She had a book signing that weekend. A reviewer of that book says, “This woman was born to write. Her use of a certain word in just the right place is at times genius.”
In a new book, Turtle Heart: Unlikely Friends with a Life-Changing Bond, I enjoyed her hundreds of finely-tuned descriptions of expressions on faces, smiles, and cold hard stares: “She studies me, tilting her head. She looks skeptical.” “I have seen her face –impassive behind her small, rimless glasses, spark without warning into joy, spitefulness, sorrow.” “Her eyes grew intent and her brows angry.”
What she tackles in this book covering approximately two years of a deep friendship with a woman much older and vastly different than herself, is remarkable and a lesson in generosity. The main character besides Lucinda is Charlene, a half Ojibwe (American native) who grew up in a family of 14 children. The book is based on a journal Lucinda kept for a couple years when Charlene was nearing 70. Luci also had recorded some interviews with Charlene when they both lived in Rusk County, Wisconsin.
Charlene grew up doing tough and tiresome “man’s” work with her brothers on the farm. But one brother in particular was hateful and hard to live with. Luci learned to know Charlene when she was working as an aide in a nursing home and Charlene lived independently, but depended on others to drive her to dialysis appointments an hour away. Luci became one of the drivers and as their friendship blossomed, she began to spend many hours a day and week outside of her work time helping Charlene around her home. In the book, Luci confesses she began to covet time for herself and other interests.
Charlene was an addicted smoker, and while Lucinda abhorred smoking, she tolerated being around the pollution because she began to love Charlene as a sister and fellow believer. Charlene’s faith stemmed around native traditions honoring the Creator, but over time she read the New Testament through and major portions of the Old, while also studying the Bible with Luci’s father (a pastor), and mother. The refreshing thing about Luci’s father is he was able to be honest in answering some faith questions with “I don’t know.”
The book is worth reading if you like well-written memoirs, biographies, or even popular Amish romance novels. Lucinda’s way with words and suspense is anything but plain: it will make you look at your own relationships, and why people sometimes have difficult personalities. Put it on your Christmas list! And I won’t spoil things by telling you what a turtle heart does that’s unusual.
Find Lucinda’s book on Amazon or her website, www.lucindajkinsinger.com. Send questions or comments to anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com or Another Way Media, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834.
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AND if you happen to live or be in the Rusk County, Wisconsin area this coming week, check out several options where you can meet and greet Luci and buy one or ore of several books she’s written!
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of nine books. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of October 29, 2021
Dinosaurs: The Education of a Grandma
Do your children or grandchildren love dinosaurs? Or maybe you are also fascinated with those ancient creatures?
Our five grandsons have a love affair with dinosaurs. They have dozens of play dinosaur creatures and books, and know the names and how to pronounce and spell some of them! The oldest of these boys is just-turned-eight and the youngest is three.
Grandma knows very little about dinosaurs. What I do know, I’ve learned in just the last couple years. My boys have gotten a kick out of quizzing me about the dinosaur names they know and I came up with a cheat sheet to help me remember the Ptero something or other, the Velociraptors, and more. Some are the scientific names (italicized).
Personally, I never cared much for the monstrous creatures. They seemed to me like creatures out of bad dreams or the scary Halloween costumes you may be seeing this weekend. Dolls and teddy bears were more to my liking, and my daughters largely felt the same way.
I think my first real introduction to dinosaurs as a child, was at the Field Museum in Chicago, Illinois. We went there on a sixth grade field trip. The Chicago museum was named for a business magnet of the day who was the major museum benefactor: Marshall Field (also had a department store that became Macy’s). The museum was established in the 1890s, about the time my grandmother was born. One hundred years ago it moved to its current location in May 1921, where “crowds lined up for miles to visit the Field Museum on opening day” according to FieldMuseum.org.
That museum eventually became home for “Sue,” the “largest and most complete Tyrannosaurus rex ever discovered.” She was found by a woman named Sue in South Dakota, and added to the Chicago collection of dinosaurs in 2000. I’ve never seen it. I do remember seeing a creature now called Gorgeous George (now that I can say and remember). From 1956 to 1992, a cousin of T. rex called Daspletosaurus (or as it was known at the time, Gorgosaurus) was the Field Museum’s dinosaur centerpiece. (More at https://www.fieldmuseum.org/blog/sue-t-rex-there-was-gorgeous-george )
Our grandsons talk about the Ankylosaurus, Brachiosaurus, Stegosaurus, Triceratops, Tyrannosaurus, Diplodocus and Pterodactylus (which they will be quick to remind you was a winged reptile, not a dino) to name only a small fraction of their favorites. They talk about plant eaters, meat eaters, (some as small as a chicken) and omnivores, or will tell you the region where a particular species lived and what it ate. I’m told that crocodiles are a remnant of the dinosaur periods. Two of my grandsons have become “dino snobs,” as their mother calls them, looking down on their three-year-old brother for loving a simple T-Rex when there are more obscure dinos, like Rugops.
Why are these creatures so endlessly fascinating to children? My grandsons check out every book in the library they can find on the subject, and have practically memorized entire sections of their dinosaur books at home. My oldest daughter says she and her husband are sick of “dinosaur talk” (and arguments) taking over dinner and just about any family outing. But as a stranger at a playground recently pointed out to her, having a passion for a subject is a great thing in kids. It inspires them to read, research, and learn more.
I think as a child I was taught that dinosaurs couldn’t possibly have lived on earth millions of years ago, and so I thought of them as silly and impossible. Many Christians at that time thought the world wasn’t older than 5000 years at most. The paleontologists who have dug up bones and pieced together huge dinosaurs and studied the planet’s history have showed me that our God and Creator is truly as big and amazing as the universe. We know so, so little of this vast universe, created by God over eons. Like many other questions we have, we can leave them in God’s hands, who reigns in unimagined realms.
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Do your kiddos have this fascination/addiction/love affair?
If not dinos, what with? I’m all ears. Or perhaps beaks, teeth, scary eyes!
Send comments to anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com or Another Way Media, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of nine books. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of October 22, 2021
Some readers have already found this news on Facebook or newspaper websites etc. I post my columns on this blog a week after newspaper publication.
Our Loss is Mom’s Gain
Back about September 19, things began looking like the end was nearing for our dear mother. “I think I’m dying,” she told one of my sisters.
Something told all of us to make a point of visiting her. We weren’t there all at the same time, but my brother and his son flew in from Florida, sister flew in from North Carolina, and my husband and I had already planned to leave Sept. 20 to drive to Indiana. And my oldest sister lives there. Nearby grandchildren and greats also stopped in to see Mom/Grandma. Some had good visits, some found her too sleepy or lethargic or not up to talking much. She had some good days with some humorous moments enjoying donuts dunked in coffee and a fastfood hamburger with fries and a shake. She also got her beautiful white hair shampooed and styled. She was wiped out the next day and mostly slept.
Two of our grandchildren were able to visit. At ages 8 and 5, they were full of questions and curiosity. The oldest, Sam, especially wanted Great Grandma Miller to open her eyes, to recognize him. He wanted to know how old she was, when she was born, where she worked. She finally managed a weak smile for Sam and Owen. They were helped in their processing of these difficult moments by recalling when their beloved dog Ike died. Sam remembered they also fed Ike a cheeseburger (not his usual diet) for his last meal before being put to sleep.
Mother could no longer enjoy life either, although she treasured and craved visits and companionship. We were thankful that the covid rules had been relaxed at her nursing care facility, and she could have many visitors.
I dug out Dr. Ira Byock’s still-current and excellent guide, Dying Well: Peace and Possibilities at the End of Life (Riverhead Books, 1997). In 2001, I had the privilege of doing pre-interviews with Byock on the phone for two television documentaries Mennonite Media produced on end-of-life care. He has long specialized in providing hospice care for those dying. His own eyes were opened to the needs of the dying when his father dealt with cancer. The father helped Ira understand the issues he was facing, some as simple as worrying that he didn’t “smell so good” anymore.
One paragraph in particular stood out to me recently: “People who are dying often feel a sense of constant pressure to adapt to unwanted change. As a person’s functioning declines, the physical environment becomes threatening.” He describes how a simple trip to the bathroom becomes a major event. Family members too often begin acting differently towards and with the loved one: being serious and “even solemn in one’s presence.” Friends or family may avoid the loved one out of their own emotional pain. The dying individual may feel awkward, worry that they don’t look good, and feel isolated as people talk about them.
This is undeniably sad but can be expected, Byock says. He provides very helpful insights, questions, and directives in his book.
On this trip visit to Mom, our final one with her, I took to massaging her feet. Her feet and toes, after 97 years of work and then later in life walking every day for exercise, were so worn, cracked, not pretty. She would have been the first to agree and in fact often complained about how bad they looked. I took cream and rubbed them to offer a little love and relief. My heart still breaks to remember it. You do what you can. And are enormously grateful for the good years you had together and happy that she now doesn’t have to live in the in-between space of slipping away from her life and her loved ones.
My tears now help with healing as we honor Mom’s life and her authentic witness. Thank you, Mother for your love, your example, and your faith.
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Mother’s obituary is at https://www.yoderculpfuneralhome.com/obituary/bertha-miller . For friends or relatives far or near, her memorial service is now planned for Nov. 13 at 11 a.m. at North Goshen Mennonite Church in Indiana. We will be greeting/receiving friends at the church beginning about 10 a.m. that morning. Masks are encouraged. A video will be available at some point after the service.
Comments are welcome here or at anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com or send to Another Way Media, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of nine books. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way for week of October 15, 2021
A Return to the Clothes Closet
What a busy night at the closet—the free clothing distribution center our church has hosted for over 55 years. Over half a century.
As one of the helpers, it felt really wonderful to successfully help people find warm clothing again for the coming winter—after closing down for so long when Covid came along. In the interim the coordinators tried several alternative distribution options, but none of them were quite working. So this was the first night of our standard opening where people could come inside, carefully masked, and look through and pick out the clothing that suited them.
As our church’s founder, Pastor Don Allen used to quote Jesus as he reminded us of our basic mode of operating: “Freely you have received, freely give” (Matthew 10:8).
My heart swelled as we dug into folding the clothing that people had picked out for themselves, from children to young parents to grandmas. As usual, the conversation was a mix of rapid Spanish, English, and, I’m sure eventually, there will be some Arabic and Russian in the air—the traditional four languages our signage includes. One woman collected bags and bags and BAGS (trash bag size)! I’m not sure where she will put it all but I’m confident it will likely be shared with many others or even sold to make a bit of money. We don’t worry about that. No one gets rich selling Clothes Closet clothing.
Although the quality of what we were able to share was tops—lovely clean and current sweaters, blouses, slacks, jeans, negligees, toddler pjs, socks.
A young man who had just moved here from North Carolina was looking for a nice pair of slacks, and a coordinating button-down shirt for a job interview. Many slacks were way too big for his small frame but it was fun helping him figure out if something sort of matched or not. I gave him a quality pant hanger, the better to keep his pants looking nice and wrinkle-free.
A 60ish woman who walked slowly and carefully was looking for a pair of slippers. She was wearing a nice pair of tennis shoes, so I tried to judge her size. All of the slippers were sadly, way too small. Some she admired were stylish and even sparkly. But there were none that were anywhere near wide enough.
Then I sneaked away to the storage closet where there are often many shoes that haven’t yet been put out, and spotted a pair of large slides that made this woman squeal in delight and approval. She was sure they would work for her, and it made me happy too.
Children drew and colored pictures in one corner of the large room. A tired toddler started whimpering, but the mother managed to hold not only the child but an armful of clothing as she shopped.
A Big Sister/Little Sister pair helped pack clothing for 45 minutes. As a long-ago Big Sister, I recalled the activities my “little” and I used to do. What a great idea to do good work for others, while connecting with a child whose family is headed by a busy single parent.
One grandmother was trying to help her granddaughter and great grandchildren settle on some choices. A young boy with tousled brown hair was being tolerant of some of the clothing the grandma picked out for him. They talked about needing more clothing for school this year, having weathered most of last year with homeschooling and online instruction. I’m sure this young fellow will grow up to be a helpful young man—at least if the respect he showed for his great grandma was any indication.
A night at the closet: always a peek inside the community in which we live, and mostly an uplifting experience! What local effort could use your volunteer help as we continue to struggle to conquer the covid catastrophe?
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What kinds of volunteer work do you enjoy or participate in?
When you were a child shopping, did you like the clothes your mother or other grown up picked out?
Did you have clothing favorites? Things you couldn’t stand??
Comment here or contact me at anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com or Another Way Media, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of nine books. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
Another Way October, 2021
My Mother’s Old Sewing Machine
I have a new/old companion in the room where I usually write these columns. It makes me feel like Mom is with me right here. I wish she was.
She used to come here and use this bedroom/office as often as once a year or at least every other year. She travelled by car or plane or train—and to Florida to visit my brother by bus or air—many adventures I’ve shared here.
Mom had a fall in February breaking her shoulder (yes, she also had one last February, 2020, breaking her femur just before the world first closed down, so to speak). This May, we had to help her move out of her independent apartment after her fall, which she loved so much, where she lived for the last 17 years. Actually, it wasn’t the apartment, it was the people she loved so much, who also lived in the complex, many of whom she counted as dear friends and conversation partners. I have not shared many details of her journey this year to protect at least some of her privacy!
But back to the sewing machine. The reason it is so reminiscent of mom is that for the last 17 years it sat in the guest bedroom in her apartment, and so it always welcomed us when we got there after driving 625 miles—sometimes taking 11 hours, and in recent years, usually stopping overnight to visit our daughter’s family in Ohio.
The machine is electric, built about 1945 or so. My grandmother Ruth had a treadle sewing machine which I got a kick out of trying to use. But Mom’s machine saw me all the way through high school and college and even my first year working in terms of my sewing many of my own clothes. I’m ashamed to say I don’t do much sewing anymore—and actually don’t buy that many clothes either. At this age, we wear what we have in our closets, right?
Mom and Miss Hooley at Middlebury Junior High school (Indiana) taught me to sew and it’s kind of fun to see how old skills—such as how threading up the sewing machine with all its little crevices, hooks, and openings—come back to you.
Sewing seemed to experience a revival of sorts last year as people, men and women, took to sewing cloth masks when factory-made masks were in short supply. Unfortunately, I lost two lovely homemade ones—made by a daughter and a neighbor of my brother-in-law. I was quite upset over both losses, but things happen.
But back to the sewing machine: my mother used that machine to make us countless dresses, skirts and blouses. She did not make a lot of slacks or shorts for us, because we weren’t permitted to wear them for many years. One summer she made matching shirts for our whole family to wear once a week or so when we traveled out west for six weeks. We made quite a picture—I wish I had the picture. Some of us were somewhat embarrassed when we wore them, but it certainly made spotting your whole family easier in a store, crowd, or national park!
Epilogue to this post:
This blog post/newspaper column is particularly poignant now for me. Many of you know my mother died on October 11. I actually wrote this particular column over a number of weeks, before she left us. Her obituary is here. I will likely be sharing many other thoughts and stories and memories in the days ahead.
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What objects, clothing, or memories does this bring to mind for you? We can have too many heirlooms but we can’t have too many cherished memories.
Send your stories, comments or condolences to me at anotherwaymedia@yahoo.com or Another Way Media, P.O. Box 363, Singers Glen, VA 22834.
Another Way is a column by Melodie Davis, in syndication since 1987. She is the author of nine books. Another Way columns are posted at FindingHarmonyBlog.com a week after newspaper publication.
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